Dedicated to my Children
I have always been a late bloomer. Life has come as it may, and I have had a wonderful life, but it is always different than what we think it will be. This is true of the ebb and flow of life at the end of our days, and “the other side.”
I am not quite going out with a bang, although I think I want to, since I am praying for grace anyway. I find now that there are things I am afraid of, that; shadowed by death for so long, I didn’t think would bother me. I think it is a reincarnation of the boogie man. I don’t fear death, and I don’t think I fear the other side-for me, anyway.
I thought I might not go out at all, after all, I have survived pancreatic cancer for 11 years until it lifted its ugly head again, like Beowulf’s Grendel, plundering at all cost to keep the beast alive. Grendel is a scary monster. Like Freddy Krueger and the Pit and the Pendulum Vincent. I never thought I would be afraid of death as I am of these imaginary creatures. And it is not death I fear, but life without me–for those I leave on the other side.
The biggest fear is that of the unknown, not for me, but for those I leave behind. I don’t want to leave anybody, especially in a way that they may view me less than they viewed me in life. I think of my family and my many friends. I especially think about my children, although they are such wonderful people I know they will have extraordinary lives, always.
Ian, Tana, Kayla, and Cameron–you are my all, and always have been; you always will be. I hope this brings you solace. How much you are truly loved on all sides. Always.
I do have amazing children; and I have had an amazing life because of them. I am finding peace because of them. That makes some of the news I have received lately easy to handle, sometimes bittersweet, and sometime a little disheartening. I am still praying for grace. It is hardest for those that I will leave behind. My heart breaks.
I am still with cancer in my lungs and bones, but we have decided to stop all chemos so that my last few months may be good, as far as quality of life goes. That’s a little scary, too. Not knowing what the next few months will hold. When the other side appears.
I plan to go to Columbus for a few days in December and spend Christmas in Michigan(Lansing and Grand Rapids).
As far as the other side, I am still waiting with tempered hopes and all my heart. Cherishing every moment I have.
I love you all, being kt.